sallu bhai

Scene 6

Sequence 1

(Screen writes Sallu bhai)

“dhak, dhak karne laga”

(Garam is dancing as usual, a guy act as lead especially in line)

“saiya bainya chorna”

“kacchi kaliya torna”

(music stops, audience cheers)

Garam- thank you, thank you, oooh stop it, and thank you guys too (to back up dancers)

(the lead)- i will see you

Garam- uhm... may be i will see you(tiger roar and claw thing, audience cheers louder)

Dosto(after backup leaves) aaj hamare bich ek aisi saksiyat padhar rahe hain, jinki saan me jitni boli jayi utni kaam hogi, toh gustakhi na karte huye kyunki woh khud drive karke aa rahe hain, please welcome sallu bhai

“naa koi sathi hai, na koie manzil”

“oo jane jana”

( sallu dances or atleast tries)

Garam- sallu bhai, aap ka swagat hai hamare show pe

Sallu bhai- garam..... garam...Karan(his famous nose and body movement, eye rolling)

(some one scream from behind the camera-Bhai copy right)

Sallu bhai- arrey shut up, garam.. how come ke aap ne, mujhe, itneeey sare, celebrityyy ke baad bulaya, yaha audience me, kitney pratishat (body movement) log, yeh mante hai, ki(audience cheers loudly) ki garam ka yeh bartaw , jo yeh rabaiya unhone ne apnaya hai, jo berukhi inhone dikhayi hai, mere taraf, woh fair nahi tha(audience cheers again) 

Garam- Baith ke baat karein

(Sallu bhai starts to laugh uncontrollably all of sudden, audience and garam are clueless, sallu bhai falls on floor, he has tear in his eyes due to excessive laughing and is holding his stomach)

Garam-Kya.... huwa?(awkwardly)

Sallu bhai-Garam....., garam...(stands up) that was the best pick up line ever used on me

Garam- kya baith ke baatein karte hain?

Sallu bhai- han ok chalo(take his seat suddenly, garam is still up), arrey baith jao garam apana hi show hai

(laugh again, fall from the couch, again neither garam or audience get it)

Sallu bhai- arrey ye kya meri zip khuli hui hai(closes it)

(audience and garam laugh and fall from their seat, sallu doesnt get it)

Garam- ok, anyway big year for you, hadkamp was a blockbuster, how does it feel

Sallu bhai- Garam....Garam..(gets serious all of sudden) you see Garam, hum log jo karte hain, woh audience ke liye karte hain,  agar unhe pasand aaye toh accha hai, arrey mujhe kya farak parta hai ki aur koi kya sochta hai, shobha de kya sochati hai, farah kya sochti hai, ya tum hi kya sochte ho, garam ...(gets funny again) (audience claps, adjust his nose)

Garam-Mein kya sochta hoon?

Sallu bhai- Garam.. coffe Garam hai garam..(luaghs uncontrollably again, falls from the couch, hurt his ass, this time audience laughing is with him, garam doesn’t get it)

(get serious all of sudden)- dekho garam kya hai(audience starts to stop laughing) hum log actor hai, hum jo karte hain wo public ko pasand aani chahiye, par being human hamari responsibility bhi hai, you cannot say i am just an entertainer, i shouldn’t get involved, why should i care?, for instance jab tum aaye the mere paas kuch kuch hota ka script lekar ( audience hoots and cheers)

Yeah, yeah see garam..., you see tumhe sab ne naa kaha, sab ne, but i did it garam(gets angry all of sudden, bangs on table) how could you forget that?

(garam coffee spills all over him) Garam(gets really close) tum kyun darte ho mujhse?(garam bends back, audience cheers) kuch kuch ke baad itne saal, itne years bit gaye par tumne mujhe doosra mauka nahi diya (cries) kyun garam, kyun?(goes on floor on knee) “tadap, tadap ke”

(audience gets emotional too, garam doesn’t know what to do)

(suddenly sallu gets up, raise his hand and scream,)

Ji to karta hai ki ek(show slap sign, audience are shocked,garam cover his face, music play)

“tere naam”

(emotional) Par nahi garam, nahi tumne mujhe doosra mauka nahi diya, why garam why, kyun garam kyun?(cries, audience too have tears)

(sallu grabs garam collar)- kisse darte ho garam, kisse, mujh se yeh kissi aur se?

Garam(hesitantly)- mein actually aap hi se darta hoon.

(sallu leave his collar and start laughing again, audience wipe their tears off and join him, garam have Wtf expression on his face)

(sallu took back his seat)- arrey pucho baba, pucho na kya puchna hai, garam...

Garam- ok, ummm... aapke personal life mein...

Sallu bhai- arrey, garam, garam.... meri toh personal life hai hi nahi

Garam- par kat

Sallu bhai- mere pass koi kat nahi hai(rolls eyes, audience giggles and cheers) haan chintoo ji ke larke ne rakha hai ek, usse se pucho(audience scream aloud and claps)

Garam- par huwa karti thi

(audience hoots and claps)

Sallu bhai- basically, kya hota hai ki garam, hum log actors hai......

(his usual dialogue fades and cut to another sequence)

Sequence 2

(kat is packing her bags, sallu is crying)

Sallu bhai- kyun, kyun, kyun (snot start to flow from his nose, so much that his fingers are not enough)

Kat(english accent)- yeh tumhara towel hai sayad

Sallu bhai- usne bhi mujhe chordiya,isne bhi mujhe chordiya,aab tum bhi mujhe chor rahi ho, kya hai uss pintoo mein jo mujh mein nahi hain, kitne pratishat larkiyan mujhe chorengi

Kat- sallu dont make this big deal

Sallu bhai-deal, tum angrezo ke liye nahi hoga ye big deal, babu ji ne kaha tha ek hindustani mard ka suhag sirf ek baar sajta hai, arrey is baar to babu ji ne baar daan ki tyari bhi suru kardi thi, shadi ki shopping bhi suru kardiya tha, ab mein unhe kaun se muh se bataunga ki tum bhi...

Kat-ummm... salim sir

Sallu bhai- nahi, dusre babuji....

(cut to another sequence)

Sequence 3

( a very natural house, beside a lake, a huge saraswati poster can be seen, Babu ji sits with a sitar in his hand)

(Young sallu bhai enters with a pen, and notebook, touches babu ji feet)

Sallu bhai- babu ji (softly)

Babu ji(opens his eyes)- tum aa gaye

Sallu bhai- haan, babu ji mein aagaya

Babu ji- toh pucho beta kya puchana hai

Sallu bhai- babu ji kissing scene

Babu ji- bideshi sanskriti beta

Sallu bhai(Make notes)- thik hai babu ji, kabhi nahi dunga aur babu ji gali galoj

Babuji- not on screen, beta

Sallu- ji babu ji, aur sex

Babu ji- shadi se pehle bilkul bhi nahi beta

Sallu bhai- ji babu ji, kabhi nahi karunga

Babu ji- paise laye ho

Sallu bhai- haan babu ji, par woh bheeg gaye, agli baar mein aur mehnat karunga babuji, aur iss bar paise nahi bheegenge babu ji, iss baar paise nahi bheegenge

(back To sallu bhai appartment)

Kat-oh, so thats why, you never, oh okay

Sallu- toh ab tum mujhe nahi chorogi

Kat- aab toh mein tumhe 100% chorungi

Sequence 4

(back to set)

(audience –ooh)

Garam- what rubbish, i dont believe this, you are still virgin

Sallu bhai- see garam..., kya hota hai, ki we are actors...

Garam- par ye kaise ho sakta hai

Sallu bhai- tum babu ji se milo kabhi, woh tumhe bhi sidha kardenge(audience cheers and laugh)

Garam- ok, agar aap itne hi sanskari ho to maar jhagda kyun, itna lafda kyun

Sallu bhai- see karan...(sir copyright) shut up, (calms down) kya hota hai ki basically garam..., ki hum actors hai..(fades to another sequence)

Sequence 5

(in a bar, vivek and a stranger are sitting, vivek ask the bartender)

Arrey, mamu boleto bathroom kidhar hai?

Bartender- aagey se left lele, sir.

Stranger to bartender- Yeh munna bhai tha kya?

Bartender- nahi chordiya

Stranger- kitna stupid hai ye banda.

Bartender- kam se kam girlfriend hot hai

Stranger- jiski hai woh ek din gadi charadega

(Vivek’s cellphone rings, he accidentally left it, on his barstool)

(tipsy stranger picks up the phone)

_ haan, hello

Abbey, tu ch*****

Abbey, tu hi behen****

Abbey, teri maa ki ****

Tu apni karbale

Abbey tu kaun hai be

(haaa- shocked, he just ends the call and run away from the bar)

(vivek returns, phone rings again)-haan, hello

(back to set)

Sequence 6

(audience claps)

Sallu bhai- you see, garam it was all mixed up confusion, now we are okay, abhi uski picture aa rahi hai, kuch dino mein floor pe hogi, hum sabko pata hai nahi chalegi, par i wish him well, aisa kuch bhi nahi hai garam..

Garam- okay, with that we have now reached at end of our show aur aab baari hai....

Audience- picture of the day ki..

(Garam and sallu come together for the selfie, when garam pout his lips, sallu again start to laugh pointing his fingers at garam, and falls on floor, audience laughs with him)

Garam- ok, let’s just sign the coffee mug then

(both walk to cup section credit starts to roll, music plays, “na na na na na na na na”

When garam give sallu marker, instead of signing mug, he rubs his thumb with it, and leaves Thumb print on the coffee cup)

(Garam look at him akwardly)

End of scene 6