Kacchay kumar

Scene 10

(Screen writes kacchay kumar)

Sequence 1

(Garam’s set)

(Lights, camera and action)

‘halleujah, its raining men”

“i am gonna go out, get myself soaking wet”

“hallejuh”

( garam is in suit, while other guys are topless, audiences are hooting)

(kacchay kumar enters in middle of the song and audience hoots get louder)

( garam’s performance is interrupted, his back up dancer stops, but he didnt notice kacchay so he keeps dancing gayily)

(thats when kacchay kicks garams ass literally)

(then serious music plays dhandom, audience are shocked, music become serious like in award function when someone is insulted, moment becomes serious)

(garam still hurt, walking funny grabs a mike and says)- dont worry ladies and gentlemen, yeh sab act tha(audience cheers and claps, fun mood is back, after a pause)- yeh sab scripted tha.

Kacchey kumar- sab scripted tha, han hany, hay(laugh his famous annoying laugh)

Garam- aur aap ki isi ada pe to aap ki female fans marti hai kacchay(audience cheers even louder) ladies and gentlemen plese welcome bollywood superstar Kacchey kumar (cheers and hoots)

“dil ye deewana, dhundey fasana”

“chandani chowk to china”

“akshay kumar mera dil ka chor”

(kacchay waves his hand in as to stop, after clapping and cheering fades)- dosto, mein aur garam bahut acchey dost hain(garam is still rubbing his butt cheek, which stil have shoe print, he nod his head in confirmation to kacchey words) khaas kar ke hamari dosti sirf personal nahi hai, garam meri biwi ka dost hai, aur mein Garam ki maa ko acchi tarah se janta hoon, mein aaj aap se kuch share karna chahta hoon, jab mein kaal garam ki maa se milne gaya toh aunty meir haat pakad ke fut fut ke rone lagi....(gets emotional)

(audience is confused, so is garam)

....Toh meine aunty  se, aur khud se bhi, apne aap se bhi, yeh wada kiya, ki mein garam ko sidha karke rahunga(screams)- sidha khada ho, I will make garam straight..(audience cheers and hoots,garam is akward)

-Garam woh larki dekh raha hai tu, dekh raha hai, (a hot girl in audience wave) mein uss se laya hoon, janta hain kyun(audience hoots)

(cut to music, garam ask him to seat, and they both took their respective seats)

(garam hand is tilted and kacchay slaps it, garam try to keep it straight)

Garam(after clapping and laughter fades)- aap glamorous parties bagerah avoid karte hain, kyun?

Kacchey- garam...beta...raat ko kaun jagta hai,hmm..(screams) bolo, mein tujh se puch raha hoon?

(garam is blank, tries to guess)

Kacchey(after not getting answer for long time)- raat ko beta, ullu jagta hain,ullu, tu samaj raha hai na mein kya keh reh raha hoon?

Garam- hmm...

Kacchay- phir haat sidha(garam correct his posture) toh mein tujhe ullu kehraha hoon(kacchey goes for coffee)

Garam- be careful darlingggg...(tilt his hand)

(before Garam could finish his sentence, kacchey pour coffee on garam’s head)

(hurt garam is running around set screaming)- coffee garam hai, coffee garam hai

(audience laugh, hoots and clap)

Kacchey- han, han, han, han(his famous laughter)- yeh bhi scripted tha, chal beth ja aur puch tujhe kya puchna hai

Garam(heavy breath,sighs)-hmmm...(tilt his hand again)

Kacchey- phir script mein dusri laat bhi likhi hai, chaihiyo kya

Garam- nahi,nahi....aap ne itne  time kyun lagadi, yaha aane me, me aapko kitne dino se bula raha tha

Kacchey-pehli baat to yeh hai garam ki, mujhe teri niyat thik nahi lagti(audience hoot and laugh)

(garam is visibly annoyed by now)

Aur dusri ... yeh kya bahiyat sawal puchata rehta hai tu, kya karta rehta hai, kya milta hai tujhe yeh sab kar ke

Garam- yeh meri roji roti hai

(kacchey gets up and seat on his side, garam is scared)- yeh teri roji roti hai( garam nod his head scared, smiling half hearted) yeh....yeh teri roji roti hai,(punches garam in stomach, garam bents)(audience hoots) yeh teri roji roti hai(another punch on his bent back)

(garam fall down from couch, kacchey start to kick him and with each kick he says)

Yeh hai teri roji roti?

Yeh, yeh,yeh,yeh

Yeh(kick) hai(kick) teri(kick) roji(kick) roti(kick)?

(audience keep cheering)

Garam-unhunhuunmungh

Kacchey- abe bhutni ke kya bol riya hai, thik se bol(one more kick, then kacchey bent down to garam level)

-unh unshjms ung

Kacchey- garam bol raha hai, hum yaha pe break lenge

“na na na na na na na na”

Neskoffee presents Garam koffee with garam, will be just back after the break.

Sequence 2

Ad no 1

Baba kamdev onscreen,

Log kehte hain purse mein saiyam rakho, hain(winks), condom kyun rakho, saiyam nahi rakh sakte(winks again)

(a voice and writing on screen)

Saiyam, the herbal flavored condom, aap ki najdiki chikitsalaya mein uplabdha hai.

(funny leone,bharti)-couch pe saiyam, bathtub me saiyam(sighs deeply), bed pe saiyam, chatt pe saiyam, aur toh aur sandas me bhi saiyam

Saiyam ke bare me kamal ki baat ye hai ki aap ise kahin bhi, kabhi bhi rakh sakte ho

(a very thin shirtless male model, nod negatively beside her)

Sequence 3

Ad no 2

(superstar Dhananjay walks upto a chromatized white screen, looking very handsome in a gre suit and combed hair)

In south indian accent-(a CAN can be seen above him)- yeh piyo iss se energy aayegi (jhut, a sound come)

(shows a bottle)- yeh piyo iss se pyas bujhegi(jhut)

(show a juice box) yeh piyo iss se larki pategi (hut, jhut aur jhut)

(suddenly a nariyal pani with a straw in his hand)

-Sunday ho ya Monday, roj piyo nariyal pani

Sequence 4

Ad no 3

(two foreign women is hauled by  bunch of auto walas, Garib khan walks in)

Aise byabhar karte hain apne athiti se, aur yeh wapas jake phir nahi aayengi toh kya karoge, haan chacha phir kya khaoge, bacche ko school kaha se bhejogay, aur aap bhi suniye(turns to camera) athiti bhagwan saman hote hain, hamari sanskriti bhi yehi kehti hai, Bharat ka sar mat jhukaiye, athidi devo bhava(screen writes bharat sarkar dwara janhit me jari)

(some one yell cut, scene come back to ad, and Garib khan jump on those two women saying- aaiela, bideshi larki.

Oh my god- they scream.

(all the junior artists/autowalas are trying to pull him off and protect those girls)

Sequence 5

Ad no 4

(everything is cute, cinematic and beautiful, arohi kapoor in beautiful long dress, is playing guitar and singing)

“chahun mein aana”(screen write arohi kapoor below her)

(suddenly, look to camera)

Arrey aap log yahan(surprised), mere papa, you know (with a smile)- how do i put it, is little mischiveous (suddenly a bai goes running behind her couch)

Sahab, please sahab, malai chor do shab

Oow, lolita...

(arohi to camera again)- dekha mein kya bol rahi thi(cutely), (cut to a kitchen)

(arohi prepares a tea, then aroma spreads, she smells it,finally bhakti kapoor smells it too, and is distracted , bai run away, he comes for tea)

(they are both having tea)

Arohi to cam again- darjling chai, jab bade bacche ban jate hain.

(they both laugh)

Sequence 6

Ad no 5

(garam enters with a badminton, kanika is already in the room)

Hey, kanika wanna go for a round.

(another some weird guy enters)

-hey, kanika wanna sit here and wanna have some neskoffee

Kanika- ok

(kanika and the guy burst into a laughter all of sudden,garam expression is like WTF)

(Screen cut to)

“neskoffee”(music and written)

(scene goes back to ad)

(all of the sudden one of the closet doors of kanika room open, soni is there in ‘aisha’ costume, eating icecream, both guy look at her, while cover her face in embarrasement, This doesnt last more than a second and cut to another Ad)

Sequence 7

Ad no 6

(taliyah bhatt comes holding a book)

Hum youngster ke kitne sare problem hote hain, nahi?

Like math problem,(teacher is teaching, she is looking outside the window), physics problem(same thing),biology problem(samething) practical lab problem(she sets a fat guy on fire)-oops sorry

Isi liye(suddenly ad is taken over by an attractive middle aged model) bourne pista, jo aap ki bacche kji dimagi bikash ke liye jaruri portion pura kare.

(Ad come back to Taliyah, she finishes her glass of bourne pista, have moustache of foam, widdle age women stand bside her, stroking her hair)

I am a bourne pista girl- she says excitingly.

Cut to ad no 7

Sequence 8

(soni kapoor in a huge fabulos room)

-mein bhi aap hi ki jaisi hoon, yeah only like way more fabulos, good looking, hot aur rich.

By the way, yeh hair colur ka ad hai, which i dont think like lot of you can pull off.

For the one who dares(in her special accent)

(cut to product name and bottle)

(come back to soni’s room, one of her closet door open, kanika is their sipping coffee)

Show is back on,

Sequence 9

Neskoffee presents Garam koffee with garam

(some one counts 3...2...1)

(Paramedics are seen running back, garam has few stiches and bandages)

Garam- ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Neskoffee presents garam koffee with garam, we are in conversation with kacchay kumar

(audience cheers)

_thank you-kacchay- to audience.

Garam- kacchay, aap ke fan ye jan na chahte hai ki aap din ke suruwat kaise karte hai

Kacchay- well, garam aur audience aap bhi ek notepad lelo aur likho jo mein bolne jaa raha hun, kyunki mein ye manta hoon ki, har sacchay hindustani ko martial art aani chahiye

Garam- are you sure you dont mean chinese(audience giggle)

Kacchey-han,han,han,han-scropt me ek aur laat likhi hai, chahiye kya

Garam- arrey, nahi nahi

Kacchay- nahi bol na, dun kya, chaiya kya, dun kya bol na bol

Garam- nahi, aaj ke liye kafi hai

kacchay- toh sun, me har roj 11:30 ko uthata hoon

Garam(shocked)- itna late

Kacchay- 11:30 pm

Garam-oh....(audience are also surprised, and clap)

Sequence 10

(scene cut to kacchay house)

(kacchay has pooja thali in his hand, bell and dhupi, he is ringing and singing, its dark)

“om jai jagdish hare”

“maiya jai jagdish hare”

“bhakta jano ke sankat”

“pal me dur Kare”

(he stops outside a door and start to sing and ring even louder)

(inside the room, two kids, a girl and a boy are asleep on same bed, the girl child whisper to boy’s ear)-please tell me, kal se papa ka foreign location pe shoot hai?

(scene come back to kacchay, he looks at camera and laugh his famous laughter only without any sound this time)

(kacchay went ahead, put pooja ki thali down, and opens a door in his house, to snowy mountains, a few chinese kids bow to kacchay and then they practice together- hoo, haw.

Music plays-“ everybody is kungfu fighting”

(after a while of practice, he come back, and his wife said breakfast ready hai.)

(and he starts to run towards balcony)

His wife- nahi, nahi darling breakfast yehi par hai.

(A wholesome breakfast can be seen on the coffee table, with fruits,juice cereal and everything)

(kacchay jumps to neighbour house, where a kid is about to eat his sandwich but he stops as he is startled by the sound, and look back, kacchay grab his sandwich from his hand and jumpto another house.)

Kid(scream)- mumma phirse.

His mother- arrey oo Twinkle twinkle, band ke kyun nahi rakhti apne bandar ko.

Twinkle twinkle- sorry

(kacchay jumps to another house stole eggs, jam from another one, milk from next one and so on)

(at last he jumps on a sums up truck steal a bottle and says- sums up, taste the wonder)

(a 16 yr old kid is there about few feet away, with long hairs, his shoulder all low, drinking se-prite says- uncle, kyun itna uchal kud karte ho, iss umar mein haddi tut jayegi phir judegi bhi nahi, se-prite piyo jahan bhi mil jati hai.

(kacchay kumar walks to the kid and after a pause punch him in stomach)- mujhe se-prite pilayega, mujhe, mujhe

Sequence 11

(scene cut to show)

(kacchay kumar, kicking up in air)- mujhe, mujhe... mujhe(one more kick)

(audience hoots and cheers)

Garam- that was intresting, (urging kacchay to take back his seat) par aab hum show ke aakhir mein aa chuke hain, toh abb badi hai.. Picture of the day ki...(says the audience together)

(kacchay and garam stand together and when Garam pout his lips, kacchay slaps him)- kya karriya hai, sidha ho (garam nervousl laughter –ok)

(but he does the same thing again and again, kacchay slaps him again and again, audience laugh and cheers)- phir siha ho kehriya hu

Garam- ok , lets cancel this segment, just sign the mug, end this show, and go home, take long,hard shower and think on gueslists of upcoming episodes(angry) lets do it

(they goes to cup section)

(every cup that kacchay holds, he breaks them by his grip)

Kachhay- han, han, han, han, tut gaya

Garam- haan

Garam- yeh bhi tut gaya

Kacchay- kitna sophistcated cup hai teri, sab tut jati hai, han han han han

Garam- ok thats it, cup khatam ho gaya, aur aaj ka episode bhi

(audience cheers, credit rolls)

Sequence 12

(audience leaves,)

Garam- ok see you, bye

Kacchay- abbey, tu kidhar jaa riya hai?

Garam- par show toh khatm ho giya, matlab gaya.

Kacchay- nahi, mere dost picture abhi banki hai,......aao bhai

(the hot girl walk in)

Garam-oh my god, you were serious?

Kacchay- very serious

Garam- mein ye nahi kar sakta

(the girl)- oh plese sir, kuch kuch hota hai, sir

Kacchay- laat marunga phir, chal suru hojaieyo

Garam- kacchay please

Girl- sir my name is also khan, shefali khan, and i am a Bomb sir,

Garam- then go blow someone else

Kacchay-(put hand on garam sholder)- meine teri maa ko wada kiya that garam, aab tak muh se bol raha hun manja bhai, nahi ta laat chalegi phir

Garam- toh aap hi karona

Kacchay- abbey

Garam- matlab iske saath

Kacchay- meri biwi ko dost bol ta hai, phir hamari shaadi turwana chahta hai, kunwara tu hai, suru hoja nahi to mera laath uth jayega

Garam- please, no(cries)

Kacchay- garam, mujhe majboor mat karo

(shefali grabs garam)

Garam(almost about to be raped)- please kacchay no (sobs)

(all of sudden a shadow appears on gate)

-YOU(with a thump sound, and camra zoom) ARE(sound+z) A(sound+z)....HOMO(sound+z).....PHOBIC(sound+z).....    LOOSER(sound+Z)

(garam, shefali and kacchay look back to see soni kapoor)

Kacchay- homophobic toh thik hai, looser kisko boli tu

“aa ji, oo ji”

“mein jo karta hun woh”

Soni- han papa, mein baad mein baat karti hun, abhi ek  homophobic looser ko thik kar rahi hoon

Kacchay- arrey, oscar sahab hai kya, mujhe bhi baat karni hai

Soni- no, kiss, kiss ko sidha karoge aap

Kacchay- kyun, aur kaun, kaun tedha hai

Soni- well, sab se pehle toh for starters’ mein khud tedhi hoon

(everyone shocked)

(Garam tweets- Omg, soni is so gay lol)

Shefali- wow, i always found you cute

Soni- yeah, who the F*** are you? Get out man.

(shefali run away-sorry)

Kacchay- mein apne baccho ko launch nahi karunga, industry ki enviroment bigar gaya hai,

Soni- haan, you know aur kaun tedha hai, kanika...kanika padukone and we are in a relationship

Garam-OMG, bas kar pagli, itne gossip, heart attack dilayegi kya

(goes back to tweeting)

Soni- aur bawariya ke director, sanjay peela

Kacchay- woh kaun hai?

Soni- rowdy ke producer.

Kacchay- hey bhagwaan, tabhi mein bolu bawari puch mujhe aise ghoor ghoor ke kyun dekh raha tha

Garam(shy)- i kind of already knew that

Soni- aur ek thi kapoor

Garam- thats kind of a given

Soni – aur sallu bhai

(both garam and kacchay shocked- kyaa)

Soni- yeah, he was dating george clooney, and Baba kaam dev

Kacchay- aab yoga ka kya hoga

Soni- aur aadhi industry, banki ki (to camera), so stop being a homophobe and come out of the closet, seriously Ek thi come out>

Sequence 13

(cut to ek thi room)

(Ek thi is crying, and reading the script inside a closet, she opens door and comes out, on the bed, a very attractive serial actress, a sanskari bahu on TV, is lying in lingerie)

Ek thi- This is os emotional, mein yeh film banaungi

Serial actress- Are you sure darling, matlab can you afford this many celebirity for this B-Grade crap.

Ek thi(screams)- tum ne mere judgement pe sawal kiya,

Serial actress(scared)- nahi, ek thi nahi

Ek thi- mere judgement pe,(took out a hand gun and shoot the serial actress in head) mere,.....mere judgement pe, BIT**

(tushar enters)

AA oo aoa ooa aoa aau oo aa ee eoa oae aoe oae aoa oa aaauuuuuuuuuuuu( in caption it writes- Didi, kya kiya, aab phir se mujhe nayi larki dhundhana padega aap ke liye, muje aur koi kaam nahi hai kya)

End of scene 10