The End

Scene 11

Sequence 1

End

Directed by

Written by- bikash jha

Produced by-

(and scene comes back to a crappy apartment, a very dirty and old room, a table fan spin, there’s a gasoline wala-stove, there’s a script section, where different production houses names are written and ‘to send’ is written, like in Raj shri section- there are scripts like- jai maa santoshi, maa ki mahima, shrawan kumar.

In bhatt production- jism ka bhookh, yaun anubhav, aab bardasht nahi hota and so on, bhojpuri music plays on background, screen writes muzzafarpur, bihar, then a cell phone, buzzes, its in charging, wrapped by rubber and threads to hold it together, there are 4,5 fat guy sleeping, writer struggles to come out of the pile of human, and finally he picks up the phone)

-hello

- hello, tumne script bheja tha

- maine bahut jagah script bheji hai

_garam koffee, kitni jagah bheji hai

-Ekta mam

Ekta- haan, i liked your script, mein tum se milna chahti hoon

Writer- ha, ha , ha very funny, nahi script pasand hai to mere account me paise transfer karo, face to face mein kabhi nahi milunga, i am not that stupid

Ekta- par, tum ek baat toh bhul hi gaye

Writer- woh kya

Ekta- tumhara phone ka GPS

(all of sudden, writer face expression changes, he feel something in his head, then a bullet comes out of his fore-head, scene goes in reverse, and bullet travel back to mumbai, from muzzafarpur bihar, through jalebi holes, and chai cups, with a train to mumbai, screen writes,-finnaly a bullet train in india, and all this time, a rocking music plays, and dialogue which are almost synced with it, from ekta)

Meine Karodo housewives ko hobby di, jisme se ek toh teri apni mummy bhi thi

Meine hazaro loosers ko kaam diya

Papa ne naam kamaya tha, par surname meine kamayi hai

Meine TV scene change kardi

Meine india ko change kardiya

If not for me tum abhi bhi Dur darshan pe krishi darshan dekh rahe hote

Aur bacchu

(bullet travel back in gun, ekta take her eyes off the lense to say)- Mujh se panga.

(rest of the credit rolls)

The end.

Kacchay kumar

Scene 10

(Screen writes kacchay kumar)

Sequence 1

(Garam’s set)

(Lights, camera and action)

‘halleujah, its raining men”

“i am gonna go out, get myself soaking wet”

“hallejuh”

( garam is in suit, while other guys are topless, audiences are hooting)

(kacchay kumar enters in middle of the song and audience hoots get louder)

( garam’s performance is interrupted, his back up dancer stops, but he didnt notice kacchay so he keeps dancing gayily)

(thats when kacchay kicks garams ass literally)

(then serious music plays dhandom, audience are shocked, music become serious like in award function when someone is insulted, moment becomes serious)

(garam still hurt, walking funny grabs a mike and says)- dont worry ladies and gentlemen, yeh sab act tha(audience cheers and claps, fun mood is back, after a pause)- yeh sab scripted tha.

Kacchey kumar- sab scripted tha, han hany, hay(laugh his famous annoying laugh)

Garam- aur aap ki isi ada pe to aap ki female fans marti hai kacchay(audience cheers even louder) ladies and gentlemen plese welcome bollywood superstar Kacchey kumar (cheers and hoots)

“dil ye deewana, dhundey fasana”

“chandani chowk to china”

“akshay kumar mera dil ka chor”

(kacchay waves his hand in as to stop, after clapping and cheering fades)- dosto, mein aur garam bahut acchey dost hain(garam is still rubbing his butt cheek, which stil have shoe print, he nod his head in confirmation to kacchey words) khaas kar ke hamari dosti sirf personal nahi hai, garam meri biwi ka dost hai, aur mein Garam ki maa ko acchi tarah se janta hoon, mein aaj aap se kuch share karna chahta hoon, jab mein kaal garam ki maa se milne gaya toh aunty meir haat pakad ke fut fut ke rone lagi....(gets emotional)

(audience is confused, so is garam)

....Toh meine aunty  se, aur khud se bhi, apne aap se bhi, yeh wada kiya, ki mein garam ko sidha karke rahunga(screams)- sidha khada ho, I will make garam straight..(audience cheers and hoots,garam is akward)

-Garam woh larki dekh raha hai tu, dekh raha hai, (a hot girl in audience wave) mein uss se laya hoon, janta hain kyun(audience hoots)

(cut to music, garam ask him to seat, and they both took their respective seats)

(garam hand is tilted and kacchay slaps it, garam try to keep it straight)

Garam(after clapping and laughter fades)- aap glamorous parties bagerah avoid karte hain, kyun?

Kacchey- garam...beta...raat ko kaun jagta hai,hmm..(screams) bolo, mein tujh se puch raha hoon?

(garam is blank, tries to guess)

Kacchey(after not getting answer for long time)- raat ko beta, ullu jagta hain,ullu, tu samaj raha hai na mein kya keh reh raha hoon?

Garam- hmm...

Kacchay- phir haat sidha(garam correct his posture) toh mein tujhe ullu kehraha hoon(kacchey goes for coffee)

Garam- be careful darlingggg...(tilt his hand)

(before Garam could finish his sentence, kacchey pour coffee on garam’s head)

(hurt garam is running around set screaming)- coffee garam hai, coffee garam hai

(audience laugh, hoots and clap)

Kacchey- han, han, han, han(his famous laughter)- yeh bhi scripted tha, chal beth ja aur puch tujhe kya puchna hai

Garam(heavy breath,sighs)-hmmm...(tilt his hand again)

Kacchey- phir script mein dusri laat bhi likhi hai, chaihiyo kya

Garam- nahi,nahi....aap ne itne  time kyun lagadi, yaha aane me, me aapko kitne dino se bula raha tha

Kacchey-pehli baat to yeh hai garam ki, mujhe teri niyat thik nahi lagti(audience hoot and laugh)

(garam is visibly annoyed by now)

Aur dusri ... yeh kya bahiyat sawal puchata rehta hai tu, kya karta rehta hai, kya milta hai tujhe yeh sab kar ke

Garam- yeh meri roji roti hai

(kacchey gets up and seat on his side, garam is scared)- yeh teri roji roti hai( garam nod his head scared, smiling half hearted) yeh....yeh teri roji roti hai,(punches garam in stomach, garam bents)(audience hoots) yeh teri roji roti hai(another punch on his bent back)

(garam fall down from couch, kacchey start to kick him and with each kick he says)

Yeh hai teri roji roti?

Yeh, yeh,yeh,yeh

Yeh(kick) hai(kick) teri(kick) roji(kick) roti(kick)?

(audience keep cheering)

Garam-unhunhuunmungh

Kacchey- abe bhutni ke kya bol riya hai, thik se bol(one more kick, then kacchey bent down to garam level)

-unh unshjms ung

Kacchey- garam bol raha hai, hum yaha pe break lenge

“na na na na na na na na”

Neskoffee presents Garam koffee with garam, will be just back after the break.

Sequence 2

Ad no 1

Baba kamdev onscreen,

Log kehte hain purse mein saiyam rakho, hain(winks), condom kyun rakho, saiyam nahi rakh sakte(winks again)

(a voice and writing on screen)

Saiyam, the herbal flavored condom, aap ki najdiki chikitsalaya mein uplabdha hai.

(funny leone,bharti)-couch pe saiyam, bathtub me saiyam(sighs deeply), bed pe saiyam, chatt pe saiyam, aur toh aur sandas me bhi saiyam

Saiyam ke bare me kamal ki baat ye hai ki aap ise kahin bhi, kabhi bhi rakh sakte ho

(a very thin shirtless male model, nod negatively beside her)

Sequence 3

Ad no 2

(superstar Dhananjay walks upto a chromatized white screen, looking very handsome in a gre suit and combed hair)

In south indian accent-(a CAN can be seen above him)- yeh piyo iss se energy aayegi (jhut, a sound come)

(shows a bottle)- yeh piyo iss se pyas bujhegi(jhut)

(show a juice box) yeh piyo iss se larki pategi (hut, jhut aur jhut)

(suddenly a nariyal pani with a straw in his hand)

-Sunday ho ya Monday, roj piyo nariyal pani

Sequence 4

Ad no 3

(two foreign women is hauled by  bunch of auto walas, Garib khan walks in)

Aise byabhar karte hain apne athiti se, aur yeh wapas jake phir nahi aayengi toh kya karoge, haan chacha phir kya khaoge, bacche ko school kaha se bhejogay, aur aap bhi suniye(turns to camera) athiti bhagwan saman hote hain, hamari sanskriti bhi yehi kehti hai, Bharat ka sar mat jhukaiye, athidi devo bhava(screen writes bharat sarkar dwara janhit me jari)

(some one yell cut, scene come back to ad, and Garib khan jump on those two women saying- aaiela, bideshi larki.

Oh my god- they scream.

(all the junior artists/autowalas are trying to pull him off and protect those girls)

Sequence 5

Ad no 4

(everything is cute, cinematic and beautiful, arohi kapoor in beautiful long dress, is playing guitar and singing)

“chahun mein aana”(screen write arohi kapoor below her)

(suddenly, look to camera)

Arrey aap log yahan(surprised), mere papa, you know (with a smile)- how do i put it, is little mischiveous (suddenly a bai goes running behind her couch)

Sahab, please sahab, malai chor do shab

Oow, lolita...

(arohi to camera again)- dekha mein kya bol rahi thi(cutely), (cut to a kitchen)

(arohi prepares a tea, then aroma spreads, she smells it,finally bhakti kapoor smells it too, and is distracted , bai run away, he comes for tea)

(they are both having tea)

Arohi to cam again- darjling chai, jab bade bacche ban jate hain.

(they both laugh)

Sequence 6

Ad no 5

(garam enters with a badminton, kanika is already in the room)

Hey, kanika wanna go for a round.

(another some weird guy enters)

-hey, kanika wanna sit here and wanna have some neskoffee

Kanika- ok

(kanika and the guy burst into a laughter all of sudden,garam expression is like WTF)

(Screen cut to)

“neskoffee”(music and written)

(scene goes back to ad)

(all of the sudden one of the closet doors of kanika room open, soni is there in ‘aisha’ costume, eating icecream, both guy look at her, while cover her face in embarrasement, This doesnt last more than a second and cut to another Ad)

Sequence 7

Ad no 6

(taliyah bhatt comes holding a book)

Hum youngster ke kitne sare problem hote hain, nahi?

Like math problem,(teacher is teaching, she is looking outside the window), physics problem(same thing),biology problem(samething) practical lab problem(she sets a fat guy on fire)-oops sorry

Isi liye(suddenly ad is taken over by an attractive middle aged model) bourne pista, jo aap ki bacche kji dimagi bikash ke liye jaruri portion pura kare.

(Ad come back to Taliyah, she finishes her glass of bourne pista, have moustache of foam, widdle age women stand bside her, stroking her hair)

I am a bourne pista girl- she says excitingly.

Cut to ad no 7

Sequence 8

(soni kapoor in a huge fabulos room)

-mein bhi aap hi ki jaisi hoon, yeah only like way more fabulos, good looking, hot aur rich.

By the way, yeh hair colur ka ad hai, which i dont think like lot of you can pull off.

For the one who dares(in her special accent)

(cut to product name and bottle)

(come back to soni’s room, one of her closet door open, kanika is their sipping coffee)

Show is back on,

Sequence 9

Neskoffee presents Garam koffee with garam

(some one counts 3...2...1)

(Paramedics are seen running back, garam has few stiches and bandages)

Garam- ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Neskoffee presents garam koffee with garam, we are in conversation with kacchay kumar

(audience cheers)

_thank you-kacchay- to audience.

Garam- kacchay, aap ke fan ye jan na chahte hai ki aap din ke suruwat kaise karte hai

Kacchay- well, garam aur audience aap bhi ek notepad lelo aur likho jo mein bolne jaa raha hun, kyunki mein ye manta hoon ki, har sacchay hindustani ko martial art aani chahiye

Garam- are you sure you dont mean chinese(audience giggle)

Kacchey-han,han,han,han-scropt me ek aur laat likhi hai, chahiye kya

Garam- arrey, nahi nahi

Kacchay- nahi bol na, dun kya, chaiya kya, dun kya bol na bol

Garam- nahi, aaj ke liye kafi hai

kacchay- toh sun, me har roj 11:30 ko uthata hoon

Garam(shocked)- itna late

Kacchay- 11:30 pm

Garam-oh....(audience are also surprised, and clap)

Sequence 10

(scene cut to kacchay house)

(kacchay has pooja thali in his hand, bell and dhupi, he is ringing and singing, its dark)

“om jai jagdish hare”

“maiya jai jagdish hare”

“bhakta jano ke sankat”

“pal me dur Kare”

(he stops outside a door and start to sing and ring even louder)

(inside the room, two kids, a girl and a boy are asleep on same bed, the girl child whisper to boy’s ear)-please tell me, kal se papa ka foreign location pe shoot hai?

(scene come back to kacchay, he looks at camera and laugh his famous laughter only without any sound this time)

(kacchay went ahead, put pooja ki thali down, and opens a door in his house, to snowy mountains, a few chinese kids bow to kacchay and then they practice together- hoo, haw.

Music plays-“ everybody is kungfu fighting”

(after a while of practice, he come back, and his wife said breakfast ready hai.)

(and he starts to run towards balcony)

His wife- nahi, nahi darling breakfast yehi par hai.

(A wholesome breakfast can be seen on the coffee table, with fruits,juice cereal and everything)

(kacchay jumps to neighbour house, where a kid is about to eat his sandwich but he stops as he is startled by the sound, and look back, kacchay grab his sandwich from his hand and jumpto another house.)

Kid(scream)- mumma phirse.

His mother- arrey oo Twinkle twinkle, band ke kyun nahi rakhti apne bandar ko.

Twinkle twinkle- sorry

(kacchay jumps to another house stole eggs, jam from another one, milk from next one and so on)

(at last he jumps on a sums up truck steal a bottle and says- sums up, taste the wonder)

(a 16 yr old kid is there about few feet away, with long hairs, his shoulder all low, drinking se-prite says- uncle, kyun itna uchal kud karte ho, iss umar mein haddi tut jayegi phir judegi bhi nahi, se-prite piyo jahan bhi mil jati hai.

(kacchay kumar walks to the kid and after a pause punch him in stomach)- mujhe se-prite pilayega, mujhe, mujhe

Sequence 11

(scene cut to show)

(kacchay kumar, kicking up in air)- mujhe, mujhe... mujhe(one more kick)

(audience hoots and cheers)

Garam- that was intresting, (urging kacchay to take back his seat) par aab hum show ke aakhir mein aa chuke hain, toh abb badi hai.. Picture of the day ki...(says the audience together)

(kacchay and garam stand together and when Garam pout his lips, kacchay slaps him)- kya karriya hai, sidha ho (garam nervousl laughter –ok)

(but he does the same thing again and again, kacchay slaps him again and again, audience laugh and cheers)- phir siha ho kehriya hu

Garam- ok , lets cancel this segment, just sign the mug, end this show, and go home, take long,hard shower and think on gueslists of upcoming episodes(angry) lets do it

(they goes to cup section)

(every cup that kacchay holds, he breaks them by his grip)

Kachhay- han, han, han, han, tut gaya

Garam- haan

Garam- yeh bhi tut gaya

Kacchay- kitna sophistcated cup hai teri, sab tut jati hai, han han han han

Garam- ok thats it, cup khatam ho gaya, aur aaj ka episode bhi

(audience cheers, credit rolls)

Sequence 12

(audience leaves,)

Garam- ok see you, bye

Kacchay- abbey, tu kidhar jaa riya hai?

Garam- par show toh khatm ho giya, matlab gaya.

Kacchay- nahi, mere dost picture abhi banki hai,......aao bhai

(the hot girl walk in)

Garam-oh my god, you were serious?

Kacchay- very serious

Garam- mein ye nahi kar sakta

(the girl)- oh plese sir, kuch kuch hota hai, sir

Kacchay- laat marunga phir, chal suru hojaieyo

Garam- kacchay please

Girl- sir my name is also khan, shefali khan, and i am a Bomb sir,

Garam- then go blow someone else

Kacchay-(put hand on garam sholder)- meine teri maa ko wada kiya that garam, aab tak muh se bol raha hun manja bhai, nahi ta laat chalegi phir

Garam- toh aap hi karona

Kacchay- abbey

Garam- matlab iske saath

Kacchay- meri biwi ko dost bol ta hai, phir hamari shaadi turwana chahta hai, kunwara tu hai, suru hoja nahi to mera laath uth jayega

Garam- please, no(cries)

Kacchay- garam, mujhe majboor mat karo

(shefali grabs garam)

Garam(almost about to be raped)- please kacchay no (sobs)

(all of sudden a shadow appears on gate)

-YOU(with a thump sound, and camra zoom) ARE(sound+z) A(sound+z)....HOMO(sound+z).....PHOBIC(sound+z).....    LOOSER(sound+Z)

(garam, shefali and kacchay look back to see soni kapoor)

Kacchay- homophobic toh thik hai, looser kisko boli tu

“aa ji, oo ji”

“mein jo karta hun woh”

Soni- han papa, mein baad mein baat karti hun, abhi ek  homophobic looser ko thik kar rahi hoon

Kacchay- arrey, oscar sahab hai kya, mujhe bhi baat karni hai

Soni- no, kiss, kiss ko sidha karoge aap

Kacchay- kyun, aur kaun, kaun tedha hai

Soni- well, sab se pehle toh for starters’ mein khud tedhi hoon

(everyone shocked)

(Garam tweets- Omg, soni is so gay lol)

Shefali- wow, i always found you cute

Soni- yeah, who the F*** are you? Get out man.

(shefali run away-sorry)

Kacchay- mein apne baccho ko launch nahi karunga, industry ki enviroment bigar gaya hai,

Soni- haan, you know aur kaun tedha hai, kanika...kanika padukone and we are in a relationship

Garam-OMG, bas kar pagli, itne gossip, heart attack dilayegi kya

(goes back to tweeting)

Soni- aur bawariya ke director, sanjay peela

Kacchay- woh kaun hai?

Soni- rowdy ke producer.

Kacchay- hey bhagwaan, tabhi mein bolu bawari puch mujhe aise ghoor ghoor ke kyun dekh raha tha

Garam(shy)- i kind of already knew that

Soni- aur ek thi kapoor

Garam- thats kind of a given

Soni – aur sallu bhai

(both garam and kacchay shocked- kyaa)

Soni- yeah, he was dating george clooney, and Baba kaam dev

Kacchay- aab yoga ka kya hoga

Soni- aur aadhi industry, banki ki (to camera), so stop being a homophobe and come out of the closet, seriously Ek thi come out>

Sequence 13

(cut to ek thi room)

(Ek thi is crying, and reading the script inside a closet, she opens door and comes out, on the bed, a very attractive serial actress, a sanskari bahu on TV, is lying in lingerie)

Ek thi- This is os emotional, mein yeh film banaungi

Serial actress- Are you sure darling, matlab can you afford this many celebirity for this B-Grade crap.

Ek thi(screams)- tum ne mere judgement pe sawal kiya,

Serial actress(scared)- nahi, ek thi nahi

Ek thi- mere judgement pe,(took out a hand gun and shoot the serial actress in head) mere,.....mere judgement pe, BIT**

(tushar enters)

AA oo aoa ooa aoa aau oo aa ee eoa oae aoe oae aoa oa aaauuuuuuuuuuuu( in caption it writes- Didi, kya kiya, aab phir se mujhe nayi larki dhundhana padega aap ke liye, muje aur koi kaam nahi hai kya)

End of scene 10

Ruk.....Ruk khan

Scene 9

Ruk.....ruk khan

Sequence 1

(ruk...ruk khan is watching tv, and tv says)-

you are watching CNN-i only speak english hon,भारत कि एक मात्र शुद्ध अंग्रेजी चेनल , 

(then sajnikant appear on tv, he is giving autogrpah to a crowd, and someone says)- arrey yeh bhi koi star hai, star to hai, shreyas talpade, ritesh deshmukh.(hindi dubbed, have english subtitle)

Another guy- tum kaha se ho?

First guy- me marathi manush.

Some another guy-Tum bahar se aake hamare bhagwaan ko bhala bura kehti, maro isse(and crowd start to beat the guy)

(sajni kant comes forward and stop them)

In hindi dubb- yeh kya kar rahe ho, kyun mar rahe ho bichare ko?

Crowd- iss ne aap ko gali di, isne aapki barabari ritesh aur shreya talpade se kiya

Sajnikant-toh kya huwa, jaise mein aap logo ka chahita hoon, waise hi woh inke star hai

Crowd- par bhagwan shreyas talpade

(scene comes back to studio, and cyrus pocha start talking)

-You were watching a prelude from superstar god sajnikant upcoming film, -I am Sajnikant, the tiger and The lion, and here we have the god himself- superstar god Sajnikant

(camera goes to sajnikant without any wig)

Superstar god sajnikant- ha ha ha ha, nahi cyrus woh to logo ne aise hi mujhe bula na suru kardiya, yeh to logo ka pyar hai,

Cyrus – sir, par mujhe lagta hai india me sirf ek hi superstar hai, aur woh aap ho

Superstar god sajnikant- arey, nahi nahi na

(ruk...ruk khan rose from his seat, da....da....da..driver gadi nikalo)

Sequence 2

(On set of cyrus)

Cyrus- par sir, toh kya yeh bhi rumor hai ki mangal pe aap ka murti mila

Superstar god sajnikant- ha ha ha, haan cyrus woh bhi rumor hai

(ruk..ruk enters and slap cyrus pocha)

Sequence 3

(different news footages,A women appear on tv she has five finger print on her cheeks,- ruk...ruk khan, maaf kijiye ga(drink water) superstar ruk...ruk khan fir se biwado mein hai, iss baar unhone journalist aur bhadi bharkam actor cyrus pocha ko chata mara,

Channel change(the guy has five finger print on his cheek- sannatey ko chirti sansani, aage dekhiye ek aisi saksiyat ko jo baat baat pe thappad laga deti hai, channel change- music tv(a host with five finger print is asking random pedestrian – kya aap ne kabhi ruk....ruk khan se chata khaya hai,(every one in three says yes) channel change- (sallu bhai have finger print on his cheek and so does the contestant)-kitne pratishat(body movement) bhartiyo ne ruk...ruk khan se thappad khayein hai?(channel change, a nepali speak in a resturant with print mark on his cheek,)- meine kaha ooh sahab ji mein aap ka noodle nahi khaya jab aap bathroom gaya tha?(mimick ruk...ruk khan)- nahi, tu..tumne hi khaya hoga, kyunki tu nepali hai.(channel change)-(a school bus driver with finger mark)- hum ne to bus bola ki sahab yaha pe smoke maat karo, bus mein bacche hain) camera run back to inside of the bus where kids in uniform, with fingerprint and watery eyes nods their heads as yes)

(scene cut to first anchor- bane rahiye,break ke baad baat karenge expert girish khunder se)

Sequence 4

(ruk...ruk turn off the TV)

P.R(have finger print on his cheeks)-sir, yeh had ho gaya aap ko respond karna parega

Ruk...Ruk khan-hmmm..... hai.....

P.R- sir yeh bali response nahi, award show pe thora dhanga ka speech do aap

Sequence 5

(cut to an award show)

(amitab bach pan on stage)

Debiyo aur sajjano, mein bahut bahut abhari hun, aapne mujhe iss kabil samjha, mujhe nahi maloom mein aapka shukriya ada kaise karoon

(scene cut to ruk...ruk khan)

-hmm.....hai...k...k....kiran, kyun dena pada na,(show award,people cheers) nahi deti toh mein aata hi nahi.....hai...hmmm

(garam is cheering, while all other celebrity are offended)

(back to ruk...ruk house)

Sequence 6

P.R- aap ko garam ki show pe jana chahiye, waha jaa ke bolo ki yeh sab rumor hai

Ruk...ruk- yeh thik hai..., ab idhar aao

P.R(cover his both cheeks)- aab meine kya kiya hai?

(scene cut to garam’s show)

Sequence 7

(garam dances gayily)

“suraj huwa matham”

“chand dhalne laga”

(when line comes)

“mein thehra rah)

(ruk..ruk joins in as a male lead)

(after the song ends, garam toss off his unmatching odhani to a background junior,- ladies and gentlemen, a man who needs no introduction superstar Ruk....ruk khan

(Audience goes nuts and they both take their respective seat)

Garam- so, how have you been?

Ruk....ruk- you know how, garam?

(garam shys, audience hoots)

Ruk....Ruk- garam, coffee thandi kyun hain?

Garam- because i know you like cold coffee(more shyly and with more ada, cuteness, audience hoots and clap louder)

Garam(after hooting fades)- aap ke bare me ek vile rumor hai, aap usse adress karna chahoge?

Ruk...ruk- haan, kyun nahi, garam media hum stars ko exploit karti hai, the whole slap thing is ridiculous, i am a very reasonable person

(light goes out, all of sudden)

(there is a glowing neon slap print on every one cheek from crew to audience, except for garam, when camera pans to left of ruk..ruk, he have a print on himself too, then garam gets up and a neon slap print is on his butt cheek)- arrey generator chalo bhai- says garam.

(light is back)

Garam- oh...india(audience giggles)

Toh aap ne iss bich south ke super....(garam stops, and there is an akward silence)

Sequence 8

(we can clearly understand there’s been a scene cut, garam eyes tearful and have red slap print on his face cheek)

Garam(in about to almost cry voice)-toh aap ne  iss bich south ke star sajnikant ke sath kafi waqt bitaya, tell us woh experince kaisa tha

Ruk...ruk- he is very humble man garam, tum mujhe to jante ho(garam wipe off his tear with a hanky-hmm..) meri toh Sali attiude hi bahut bari hai, baat baat pe haat jati hai(audience cheers) par woh thore hatke hain

Sequence 9

(cut to a flashback)

(superstar god sajnikant without wig, in plain shirt and dhoti, ruk...ruk khan in suit and goggle in a dosa place)

Superstar god sajnikant- this is the best dosa place in the whole world, you should try ruk..ruk

Ruk...ruk- nahi, mein aise hi kisi bhi cheej ko muh nahi lagata

(the same Bhaiya ji from superstar dhananjay episode enters)

Bhaiya ji(to sajnikant)- arrey sasuri, tum bhi koi hero hai, saar pe baal nahi, shirt aur dhoti lagake dosa kha rahe ho, hero to e hai(Ruk...ruk swell with pride)

Superstar god rajnikant(flip ketchup bottle in style)- arrey koi baat nahi, sab ka apna apna najariya hota hai

Ruk...ruk- bus itna hi aap usko kuch nahi kahoge

Superstar god sajnikant-nahi, ruk...ruk mein bekar ki jhagdo aur lafdo me biswas nahi rakhta, bekar ki lafda aur stupid publicity stunt se aaj tak  kise faida huwa hai(poonam pandey who is siting in bikini in dosa place look at their table)

(ruk...ruk falls on sajnikant feet)- yeh baat mujhe aaj tak kisi ne nahi bataya

Superstar god sajnikant- arrey, re re, yeh kya kar rahe ho, utho, dosa khao

(back to set)

Garam- wow( ruk ruk have tear in his eyes)

(garam and audience claps)

Sequence 10

(another flashback)

(Bhaiya ji who insulted superstar god sajni kant is trapped between electric wire of street pole, superstar god sajni kant with wig now, his hair flying throws a chew gum in air and catch it with his mouth while music plays)

“aara tera, isko pita isko mara”

“aie shivaji, aie shivaji”

Sequence 11

(back to set)

Ruk..ruk- toh sajni sir ki  honest aur humble attiude dekh kar, garam, aur unke stardom ko dekh kar, mein inspire huwa hoon, aur aaj se me bhi utna hi humble aur honest hona chahta hoon

(audience claps)

Garam- thats really sweet of you

Ruk...ruk-toh(remove his wig) yeh rahi meri honesty

(audience gasps, lots of them faints, garam faints, a theater is showing “sale dulhaniya lejayenge”-3000 shows running, stops, Taliyah is crying over tv, with chocolate and her teeth braces being highlight, lots of girls break their churis screaming nahi, a fat guy is crying over tv- why ruk...ruk ..why?

Shows sajni kant(laugh, flip goggle and wear it and say)- arrey o munna, sajnikant ek hi hai, tum doosra nahi baan sakte?

Sequence 12

(back to set)

(ruk...ruk wear his wig back, its Ulta)

Hmm... hai, arrey mein toh majak kar raha tha hmm.., aaa oo aaa oaoa aaa aaoouuu- he is surprised by his new sound, so is every one else and he touch his vocal chord and try to speak again.

Aaaaoooo aaua ao ooa aa oia(subtitle writes- please didi mujhe sunny leaone ke saath ek baar, ek baar)

Sequence 13

(scene change)

Tushar- aa oao ooo aaa aoo oa aoa oa(please didi, please please please please)

Ek thi- haan bola na, sochungi, kitna disturb karte ho, pehli baar me sun li na meine 

(tushar is happy)

Sequence 14

(a hand is shown knocking a door)

(writer of this script open it, The hand slaps him)

Abhi sheikh bach pan

Scene 8

Sequence 1

(screen writes abhi sheikh bach pan)

Sequence 1

(garam’s set)

“ mere piya gaye rangoon”

“waha se kiya hai telefun”

“tumhari yaad satati hai”

(abhi sheikh bach pan enters and dance more gayily than garam)

( after the song is over, before garam could speak)

Abhi sheikh- Brischa ho bhale khade

                       Ho ghane   ho bade

                       Ek patra      chanha bhi

         Mang mat, mang mat, mang mat

        Agneepath, Agneepath,Agneepath

(audience hoots)

 Tu na thakega kabhi

Tu na Thamega kabhi

Tu na mudega kabhi

Kar shapath,kar shapath,kar shapath

Agneepath, agneepath, agneepath

(audience hoots more loudly)

Yaha mahan drishya hai

Chal raha manushya hai

Aansu, sweda, rakhta se 

Latpat,latpat,latpat 

Agneepath,Agneepath,Agneepath

(Audience stands and claps)

Abhi sheikh- But Garam isn’t moved at all( audience hoots louder)

Garam- baith ke baat karein

Abhi sheikh- worst pick up line ever used on me

Garam- kaun iss line ko pick up line ki tarah use karti hai

Abhi sheikh- aur bhi kisi pe use huwa hai yeh line?

Kispe?

Garam(A bubble form on Garam’s head with sallu bhai picture, he quickly changes the subject) – So you are a father now

(audience cheers, garam takes his seat, Abhi sheikh seat on his lap, audience cheers louder now)

Garam- Thori sharam karo Abhi-sheikh, ek bacche ke baap ho, puri couch khali hai

Abhi sheikh- mujhe toh yehi seat pasand hai(audience cheers,garam pushes him)

Garam- so i was asking how is fatherhood

Abhi sheikh(mimicking garam)- so i was asking how is fatherhood

Garam- seriously, tum mera majak ura rahe ho, abhi bhi tumhari haat tedhi hai

(abhi sheikh quickly regain his posture, audience giggle)

Abhi sheikh- father hood is great garam, mein diaper change karta hoon, doodh ubalta hoon, raat raat bhar jaag ke sulata hoon

Garam- aur misses kya karti hai?

Abhi sheikh- Kaam(audience cheers)

Garam- abhi-sheikh tumhe bahut struggle karna pada, finally log aab tum he sirf tumhari papa ke naam se nahi jante, aab tum apni patni ki naam se bhi jane jate ho,(audience laugh)

Abhi sheikh- ha ha, very funny garam, and you are finally thin now, how does that feel looser?(audience laugh)

Garam – aur 20 years me kya hoga abhi sheikh, log tumhe tumhari beti ke naam se janenge ( audience laugh)

Abhi sheikh- kam se kam, woh meri apani beti hogi, audience taliyah(shows clapping gesture,audience laughs harder) bhatttt.....

Garam(visibly annoyed)- and how is dance lesson coming abhi-sheikhhh...

Abhi sheikh-oh, oh okay, radha teri chunri pe struggle kara raha hoon

Garam- ha, ha very funny, struggle se yaad aaya career kaisi chal rahi hai,(punches on his arm play fully)

Abhi sheikh- career se yaad aaya bhojpuri award show host karoge(punches him bacK)

Garam- oh, okay agar tum bhojpuri me debut kar rahe ho to kyun nahi(punches back hard)

(they exchange punches until they both fall down, audience keep  cheering they both fall down from couch, then there is silence and talk among audience like- arrey, kya huwa?

Serious, tha kya?

Lag gayi kya?

Abhi sheikh- that was part of the show ladies and gentlemen.

(audience cheers)

Garam- toh abhi sheikh tumhare jo 10-12 fan hai, woh  naraj hai, kyunki unhe lagta hai ki tumhare saath dhoooooooooooooom 3 me fair nahi huwa

Abhi sheikh- see, it’s all very technical garam, as an actor i have to trust my director, and i put all my trust in director, dhooooooooooooooom franchise will always belong to jay and ali

(slowly transit to sequence 2)

(Garib khan only with a radio on is on a chair, and says)- dekho, script me kuch majja nahi aya(his famous finger movement) majja nahi aya, iss me thora aur change karo, isse aur behtar banao,(take out two fingers by accident) arrey sasuri, e ka do ungli kyun nikala,.... aaiela idea, mein judwa rahunga, double role, double role.

(back to set)

Sequence 3

(audience claps)

Abhi sheikh- see, it’s very technical, Garam

Garam- wow, ok then let’s call our next guest, ladies and gentlemen, a director, an actress, choreographer, and very dear friend of mine Sarah khan

(sarah khan enters, music plays, wave hi to audience, audience cheers, all three of them hug each other and take their respective seats)

Garam- how have you been sarah?(a kid run across the stage screaming scene cuts)

Sequence 4

Garam(re)- how have you been sarah?

Sarah- you know, actually (a kid run again, screaming)-

Girish kya kar raha hai yaar?

(sorry- sound come from the corner)

Haan, toh main bol rahi thi, mein thik hu , tum kaise ho?

Garam- mein aisa hi hoon (audience laugh)

So shall we compete for coffee hamper?

Abhi sheikh- yeah i was waiting for this for my whole life.

Garam- ok, rapid fire round, ladies first

Sarah- no, baba not in this (giggle)

Abhi sheikh- i don’t mind

Garam- ok, abhi sheik are you ready

Abhi sheikh- yeah baby

Garam- first question...

Abhi sheikh(quick)-ruk ruk khan(every one claps and cheers)

Garam- okayy.., second question

Abhi sheikh- varun, alia and siddartha (every one hoots and cheers)

Garam- ok, let me ask third question

Abhi sheikh(quicker)- not tushar kapoor(audience giggle)

Garam- abhi, you are ruining this for me , ok sidhe sidhe last question pe aate hain, who would you turn gay for?

Abhi sheikh- ok, people in the house, let me hear you(audience and abhi together)- john abraham

(and every one laugh)

Garam(still laughing, jokingly)- ok, and who would you turn straight for?

Abhi sheikh(all serious suddenly)- you know, i actually did.

(and every one is akward)

Sequence 5

(there is a visible scene cut)

Garam(to sarah)- rank them according to their acting talent, your option are irfan khan, pankaj kapoor, manoj bajpai, nawajudin siddiqi, nasurdeen shah aur  ruk ...ruk khan

Sarah- well, ruk...ruk khan and others in the same order you said it

(audience claps and hoot)

Garam- thats a good answer, who among these have a brighter future in bollywood, fashion designer ke bhatije, director ke bete,producer ke bete, actor ke bhanje ya phir iss picture ke producer ka bhai

Abhi-sheikh-ooh, baby

Sarah-yeah,this is a tough one, iss picture ke producer ke bhai ko iss list se nikaldo(every one laugh)

Garam- no you cannot do that

Sarah- then i dont want to answer

Abhi sheikh- yeah.., coffee hamper

Garam- ok last question, who would you turn gay for?

Sarah (after a while of thinking)-  Aishwirya rai (everyone laugh except for abhi sheikh)

Garam- ok. Ladies and gentlemen, break ke baad hum janenge ki who won the coffee hamper?

“na na na na na na na na”

Neskoffe presents garam koffe with garam will be back after the break

Sequence 6

Ad no 1

( a guy is buying a soap, a sound comes from nowhere-

Kya, sir larkiyo bala saboon?

Guy(cool)- its ok dude, mein gay hun, mujhe mardangi ka wasta nahi chahiye

( a mucchad men enters, start beting guy senseless and look at the camera,- mard bano, mardo ki sabun lagao)

( screen goes to blank, only sound is heard)

Arrey, kya huwa bhos***, dusra Ad chala

Bollywood ki celeb ki interview chinese mein, TRP teri ma ki ch** se aayegi, nahi hai dusra AD

Toh apni channel ki show ka AD dikha, kuch toh dikha Chu****

Sequence 7

“kyunki saas bhi...”

( shows clip from the show, then a guy’s voice take over in american accent- kya aap roj roj wahi saas bahu ki drama dekh kar thak gaye hain, kya aap modern family dekhna chahte hain?

(photos under photo promo- a weird white man is married to an avatar alien, in another photo- a really old due is married to a 10 yr old kid, in another one  a dog is married to a cat, in last one an indian man(indian by american standard) is married to a chinese women)

AAdhunik parivar sirf sitara duniya par-says the man after promo is over.

Promo no 2

Sequence 8

(shows group of weird teen agers)

I (shows first one) T(another one) W(next) O(next) s(another one)E(other one

In American accent over random funny footage- Indian Teens Who Only Speak English( a footage show a worm being battered deep fried in a fast food resturant)

A kid say- we only speak english, only eat american food and watch american TV how we backward(indian accent)

Another weirdo(sign shows american airport)- if i wanted a colonoscopy i would have gone to hospital man(crying holding his ass)

(someone scream)- dont let that fucking Arab get on the fucking palne.

Another weird girl- harley davidson, eminem,mcdonald, big bang theory, me know america see

(some one scream from background)- fuck off arab

ITWOSE  original sitara duniya creation exclusively only on sitara duniya

Sequence 9

“na na na na na na na na”

Neskoffe presents garam koffee with Garam

Garam- welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, aap ka swagat hai, so like jaise ki meine promise kiya tha winner of the coffee hamper is.....(abhi sheikh is biting his nail)- Abhi sheikh bach pan.

(Abhi sheikh jumps on the floor screaming- yeah)

(audience cheers and hoots)

Abhi sheikh- i am not sharing

sarah- mujhe pata hai.

Garam- ladies and gentlemen abhi iss show pe kuch aur mehman aane bale hain, any guesses....

(every one is quiet, then three kids come running)

Audience- awww.... (and claps)

Kids- Abhi sheikh uncle(and jump all over him, pulling his hair and everything)

Garam- ok, sarah while Abhi sheikh keep them busy, why dont you tell us about happy few years?

Sarah- ok garam(kids start eat all the chocolate from abhi sheikh hamper, he is visibly angry)

yeh film meri banki ke filmo ki tarah hi hai, ek critical film hai, jiska hero story hai, (audience claps) mein national award ki umeed karti hoon fir se, (audience cheers) yeah, subhan allah agar sab kuch sahi gaya toh

(audience claps, abhi hair and dress is all mess, his hamper is empty, kids mouth have chocolate all over them, one of them whisper in sarah’s ear)

Mama

Sarah- haan beta

-maine na, susu kardi

abhi reacts- oh my god, my pants,

“nandu bhide, dimag me kide”

Garam- you know, sarah kabhi kabhi me sochta hoon, mein aisa kyun hoon, mein aisa kyun hoon, mein  jaisa hoon mein waisa kyun hoon, phir aise moments aate hain, mein sochta hoon mein jaisa bhi hoon, thik hoon

Sequence 10

(three of them abhi sheikh, sarah and garam stands in front of the digital cam and take selfie, all in pouting postion, then camera zoom full and abhi sheikh is only in his underwear, audience cheers

Abhi sheikh- yeh apun ka choice hain(audience cheers louder)

Garam- ok now, we have come towards the end of the show,...

(a kid come running suddenly)

Arrey samhalke coffe garam hain- screams garam but too late kid spill it all over him and starts to cry.

(audience gasp)

(sarah goes to corner and starts beating a guy- Aur ruk...ruk marta hai, toh puchte ho kyun?

End of scene 8.

Anjay dev gun

Scene 7

( screen writes Anjay dev Gun)

Sequence 1

( scene starts from, after they already have taken their respective seats, audience clapping can be heard, after it fades)

Garam-( with question card in his hand)- Kajal kaisi hain?

Anjay dev Gun-Theek hain

Garam- how is my favorite niece?

Anjay dev gun-k...k...kaun?

Garam- arrey aap ke beti?

Anjay- oh..yeah,ok, fine

Garam- kajal kyun nahi aayi?

Anjay- she is busy.

(camera shows card in Garam’s hand, it only has questions for kajal, he then puts down the card and both sits still, audience is also quiet, after a while of looking around, Garam sees the coffee cup and have an idea)

Coffee thandi ho gayi hogi, re-garam karbadu.

Anjay- par mein coffe pita hi nahi

(neskoffee team gets up- dammnit phir se)

(then they sit quiet for rest of the show, camera goes back and forth to ticking wall clock and show, audience are sound sleep)

(in the end they both gets up and start to leave and are in each other way)

Garam- arrey....umm....ok

Anjay- its ok Garam, you go first

Garam-Nahi,nahi aap

(they both repeat it again)

Garam- arrey,woh picture of the day.... bhi toh.... lena hai 

( then they both get ready for selfie, anjay is two feet apart, doesnt comes in frame, Garam gave his usual pose)

Garam- ho...gaya

Anjay- aur woh cup wali kya hota hai?

Garam- haan, haan, .....you mean sign.... woh bhi kar lete hain.

Anjay- yes

(anjay signs the cup, audience are still asleep, credit rolls they just stand there, looking straight, anjay is done signing, screen goes blank, after credit is done)

(back to set)

Garam- aab... aap... ja sakte ho

Anjay- oh, ok ho gaya, bye (start to turn around)

Garam- arrey... par cup

Anjay- haan.. oh , what was i thinking? Yeh marker bhi

Garam- nahi, woh rakh sakte ho

Anjay- par mein marker rakhke kya karunga?

(and they suddenly have uncomfortable eye contact)

Sequence 2

Garam to director of the show- yeh episode cancel

End of scene 7

sallu bhai

Scene 6

Sequence 1

(Screen writes Sallu bhai)

“dhak, dhak karne laga”

(Garam is dancing as usual, a guy act as lead especially in line)

“saiya bainya chorna”

“kacchi kaliya torna”

(music stops, audience cheers)

Garam- thank you, thank you, oooh stop it, and thank you guys too (to back up dancers)

(the lead)- i will see you

Garam- uhm... may be i will see you(tiger roar and claw thing, audience cheers louder)

Dosto(after backup leaves) aaj hamare bich ek aisi saksiyat padhar rahe hain, jinki saan me jitni boli jayi utni kaam hogi, toh gustakhi na karte huye kyunki woh khud drive karke aa rahe hain, please welcome sallu bhai

“naa koi sathi hai, na koie manzil”

“oo jane jana”

( sallu dances or atleast tries)

Garam- sallu bhai, aap ka swagat hai hamare show pe

Sallu bhai- garam..... garam...Karan(his famous nose and body movement, eye rolling)

(some one scream from behind the camera-Bhai copy right)

Sallu bhai- arrey shut up, garam.. how come ke aap ne, mujhe, itneeey sare, celebrityyy ke baad bulaya, yaha audience me, kitney pratishat (body movement) log, yeh mante hai, ki(audience cheers loudly) ki garam ka yeh bartaw , jo yeh rabaiya unhone ne apnaya hai, jo berukhi inhone dikhayi hai, mere taraf, woh fair nahi tha(audience cheers again) 

Garam- Baith ke baat karein

(Sallu bhai starts to laugh uncontrollably all of sudden, audience and garam are clueless, sallu bhai falls on floor, he has tear in his eyes due to excessive laughing and is holding his stomach)

Garam-Kya.... huwa?(awkwardly)

Sallu bhai-Garam....., garam...(stands up) that was the best pick up line ever used on me

Garam- kya baith ke baatein karte hain?

Sallu bhai- han ok chalo(take his seat suddenly, garam is still up), arrey baith jao garam apana hi show hai

(laugh again, fall from the couch, again neither garam or audience get it)

Sallu bhai- arrey ye kya meri zip khuli hui hai(closes it)

(audience and garam laugh and fall from their seat, sallu doesnt get it)

Garam- ok, anyway big year for you, hadkamp was a blockbuster, how does it feel

Sallu bhai- Garam....Garam..(gets serious all of sudden) you see Garam, hum log jo karte hain, woh audience ke liye karte hain,  agar unhe pasand aaye toh accha hai, arrey mujhe kya farak parta hai ki aur koi kya sochta hai, shobha de kya sochati hai, farah kya sochti hai, ya tum hi kya sochte ho, garam ...(gets funny again) (audience claps, adjust his nose)

Garam-Mein kya sochta hoon?

Sallu bhai- Garam.. coffe Garam hai garam..(luaghs uncontrollably again, falls from the couch, hurt his ass, this time audience laughing is with him, garam doesn’t get it)

(get serious all of sudden)- dekho garam kya hai(audience starts to stop laughing) hum log actor hai, hum jo karte hain wo public ko pasand aani chahiye, par being human hamari responsibility bhi hai, you cannot say i am just an entertainer, i shouldn’t get involved, why should i care?, for instance jab tum aaye the mere paas kuch kuch hota ka script lekar ( audience hoots and cheers)

Yeah, yeah see garam..., you see tumhe sab ne naa kaha, sab ne, but i did it garam(gets angry all of sudden, bangs on table) how could you forget that?

(garam coffee spills all over him) Garam(gets really close) tum kyun darte ho mujhse?(garam bends back, audience cheers) kuch kuch ke baad itne saal, itne years bit gaye par tumne mujhe doosra mauka nahi diya (cries) kyun garam, kyun?(goes on floor on knee) “tadap, tadap ke”

(audience gets emotional too, garam doesn’t know what to do)

(suddenly sallu gets up, raise his hand and scream,)

Ji to karta hai ki ek(show slap sign, audience are shocked,garam cover his face, music play)

“tere naam”

(emotional) Par nahi garam, nahi tumne mujhe doosra mauka nahi diya, why garam why, kyun garam kyun?(cries, audience too have tears)

(sallu grabs garam collar)- kisse darte ho garam, kisse, mujh se yeh kissi aur se?

Garam(hesitantly)- mein actually aap hi se darta hoon.

(sallu leave his collar and start laughing again, audience wipe their tears off and join him, garam have Wtf expression on his face)

(sallu took back his seat)- arrey pucho baba, pucho na kya puchna hai, garam...

Garam- ok, ummm... aapke personal life mein...

Sallu bhai- arrey, garam, garam.... meri toh personal life hai hi nahi

Garam- par kat

Sallu bhai- mere pass koi kat nahi hai(rolls eyes, audience giggles and cheers) haan chintoo ji ke larke ne rakha hai ek, usse se pucho(audience scream aloud and claps)

Garam- par huwa karti thi

(audience hoots and claps)

Sallu bhai- basically, kya hota hai ki garam, hum log actors hai......

(his usual dialogue fades and cut to another sequence)

Sequence 2

(kat is packing her bags, sallu is crying)

Sallu bhai- kyun, kyun, kyun (snot start to flow from his nose, so much that his fingers are not enough)

Kat(english accent)- yeh tumhara towel hai sayad

Sallu bhai- usne bhi mujhe chordiya,isne bhi mujhe chordiya,aab tum bhi mujhe chor rahi ho, kya hai uss pintoo mein jo mujh mein nahi hain, kitne pratishat larkiyan mujhe chorengi

Kat- sallu dont make this big deal

Sallu bhai-deal, tum angrezo ke liye nahi hoga ye big deal, babu ji ne kaha tha ek hindustani mard ka suhag sirf ek baar sajta hai, arrey is baar to babu ji ne baar daan ki tyari bhi suru kardi thi, shadi ki shopping bhi suru kardiya tha, ab mein unhe kaun se muh se bataunga ki tum bhi...

Kat-ummm... salim sir

Sallu bhai- nahi, dusre babuji....

(cut to another sequence)

Sequence 3

( a very natural house, beside a lake, a huge saraswati poster can be seen, Babu ji sits with a sitar in his hand)

(Young sallu bhai enters with a pen, and notebook, touches babu ji feet)

Sallu bhai- babu ji (softly)

Babu ji(opens his eyes)- tum aa gaye

Sallu bhai- haan, babu ji mein aagaya

Babu ji- toh pucho beta kya puchana hai

Sallu bhai- babu ji kissing scene

Babu ji- bideshi sanskriti beta

Sallu bhai(Make notes)- thik hai babu ji, kabhi nahi dunga aur babu ji gali galoj

Babuji- not on screen, beta

Sallu- ji babu ji, aur sex

Babu ji- shadi se pehle bilkul bhi nahi beta

Sallu bhai- ji babu ji, kabhi nahi karunga

Babu ji- paise laye ho

Sallu bhai- haan babu ji, par woh bheeg gaye, agli baar mein aur mehnat karunga babuji, aur iss bar paise nahi bheegenge babu ji, iss baar paise nahi bheegenge

(back To sallu bhai appartment)

Kat-oh, so thats why, you never, oh okay

Sallu- toh ab tum mujhe nahi chorogi

Kat- aab toh mein tumhe 100% chorungi

Sequence 4

(back to set)

(audience –ooh)

Garam- what rubbish, i dont believe this, you are still virgin

Sallu bhai- see garam..., kya hota hai, ki we are actors...

Garam- par ye kaise ho sakta hai

Sallu bhai- tum babu ji se milo kabhi, woh tumhe bhi sidha kardenge(audience cheers and laugh)

Garam- ok, agar aap itne hi sanskari ho to maar jhagda kyun, itna lafda kyun

Sallu bhai- see karan...(sir copyright) shut up, (calms down) kya hota hai ki basically garam..., ki hum actors hai..(fades to another sequence)

Sequence 5

(in a bar, vivek and a stranger are sitting, vivek ask the bartender)

Arrey, mamu boleto bathroom kidhar hai?

Bartender- aagey se left lele, sir.

Stranger to bartender- Yeh munna bhai tha kya?

Bartender- nahi chordiya

Stranger- kitna stupid hai ye banda.

Bartender- kam se kam girlfriend hot hai

Stranger- jiski hai woh ek din gadi charadega

(Vivek’s cellphone rings, he accidentally left it, on his barstool)

(tipsy stranger picks up the phone)

_ haan, hello

Abbey, tu ch*****

Abbey, tu hi behen****

Abbey, teri maa ki ****

Tu apni karbale

Abbey tu kaun hai be

(haaa- shocked, he just ends the call and run away from the bar)

(vivek returns, phone rings again)-haan, hello

(back to set)

Sequence 6

(audience claps)

Sallu bhai- you see, garam it was all mixed up confusion, now we are okay, abhi uski picture aa rahi hai, kuch dino mein floor pe hogi, hum sabko pata hai nahi chalegi, par i wish him well, aisa kuch bhi nahi hai garam..

Garam- okay, with that we have now reached at end of our show aur aab baari hai....

Audience- picture of the day ki..

(Garam and sallu come together for the selfie, when garam pout his lips, sallu again start to laugh pointing his fingers at garam, and falls on floor, audience laughs with him)

Garam- ok, let’s just sign the coffee mug then

(both walk to cup section credit starts to roll, music plays, “na na na na na na na na”

When garam give sallu marker, instead of signing mug, he rubs his thumb with it, and leaves Thumb print on the coffee cup)

(Garam look at him akwardly)

End of scene 6